I divorced my husband in 2016 after 29 years of marriage when he became an alcoholic after 27 years of marriage. It was shocking and unbearable and about ruined my life. We were attempting to reunite last year, and I was gaining some respect back for him when he stabbed me in the back and got a girlfriend. He walked out one day after six years of telling me he needed me back so bad and would never drink again. But, once he left, he lost his job and got his 4th DUI. I guess his new girlfriend wasn't making him so happy. Whatever. My heart is finally healing. So, I went through my guilt of "for better or for worse" and forgave myself.

In your case, I would probably feel just like you, and I'm so sorry you lost your husband.