This is long and probably boring, so if you don't want to read it all, I don't blame you. Yes, I am a big girl who can make my own decisions, but this one is so difficult.

Your note is exciting and profound, Liberty. I appreciate every word you have written. I can't talk too much to people around here because if things improve with Jon, they will remember the bad things I said. I feel so messed up. I have wanted to move slower from the beginning. He started talking about marriage very early. And sex. This man is a retired Methodist minister. His wife only died last November. There are still pictures of him and her all over his house. When he made sexual comments, I told him he had the wrong woman. He apologized profusely and stopped. We went away for a few days to a cabin. It was costly. He always pays for everything. At that point, I felt I could sleep with him, and guess what? He has ED. I have been nice about it, but I wonder why the hell he caused so much problem making sexual remarks, and he couldn't get it up anyway? I have not thought of leaving him altogether, but slowing down to once-a-week dates would be better. He was divorced from his first wife because he said she emasculated him. He said his second wife (RIP) was doing that too. I figure I will be accused of that soon enough. He says he did not have a good sex life with either wife. I wanted to ask why. Why didn't you take the lead and make it more exciting? My ex and I had an exciting sex life. Too bad sex is not enough to keep a marriage together. I'm sure you can tell I still love my ex but know we are a train wreck together. I can't tolerate his lies, drinking, and smoking, but I also recall 29 years of good times, love, and leaning on each other.

I am proud to introduce Jon to friends and family. He is very classy and polite. He's not too talkative but carries a conversation well enough. He's met most of my best friends, all my siblings, and my granddaughter. He's met my son's wife, too. He has NOT met any of my kids. My four children have never met any guy I went out with since our divorce eight years ago. My ex introduced the only woman he ever went out with since our divorce to our son. My son won't speak to him because he never ended things with me, and the girls have nothing to do with him. He's a loser right now, but he wasn't when I married him. He always said I held him up and gave him class. Now I see it's true. He grew up in a different way than me. He wasn't loved and valued by my love, I think, to cover his whole life of disappointment. His family was poor. His mother an alcoholic. Now he's in a pit and living with his new girlfriend. She told me they were engaged BEFORE he even told me goodbye...in a text.

So RED FLAGS:

I'm not receptive to a relationship because of my feelings for my ex. But I'm an intelligent woman, so why do I have these feelings? Why do I feel this connection to him? He stabbed me in the back.

Jon's wife only died eight months ago. He never talks about her, but pictures of him and her are all over the house. They had no children together. Their kids were all grown before they married.

He's needy. I've asked him several times to stop following me. Even when I'm just going to the restroom at the theatre, he accompanies me. He says he's being protective. I have friends and a social life. He does not. I've taken him to many places with my friend group and activities I am involved in. His life outside of home revolves around acting in local plays and singing in a few choruses.

He's involved with two local churches where he was a pastor for several years. I do not care for that type of service. I go to a nondenominational church that's more open and free and teaches from the Bible. But I don't see him trying to go to church with me. I was glad he loved God, but the church thing will not work for me. I want my partner to go to church with me.

His big house is full of stuff, and I do not want to live there. It will be a big deal for him to move, but if I married him, I would want a different house than the one his wife died in.

I don't want a relationship with a man that can't have sex. He doesn't even mention it now that he can't do it! Giving up my freedom is too frustrating and not worth the effort because I think sex is important.

I have considered his hygiene, too. It's questionable. He doesn't smell. He does no yard work or care of his house. He has a housekeeper and yard man. But when we kiss, he always tastes good. He has never had bad breath, even though there are times I think he didn't brush his teeth. His size is a problem for me because I think it looks slobby. I told him about his butt crack that he showed to hundreds of people at the park a few weeks ago. My ex was thin. I never liked fatter men. I stay in shape. This is the thinnest Jon has been in many years. So I see him getting fatter and fatter.

GOOD STUFF:

He's generous. Has money. Spends money on me. He can take care of me financially.

He's handsome.

He's kind.

He's a major gentleman. Sometimes, it's too much, but I don't want to discourage it.

He is considerate. He keeps my favorite wine at his house, buys my favorite candy, and gives me flowers once a month on the date we met.

He's well-respected among his peers in the acting and church community.

He does not harass me every day. He texts me goodnight and asks me on dates. He doesn't expect me to hang out at his house all the time.

We go to theatre performances, orchestra concerts, and baseball games. He plans and buys all the tickets, etc., for our excursions.

He tries to introduce me to everyone important to him. I feel a bit odd at his church, knowing these people all knew his wife and when she died. I feel a bit guilty.

Does it seem reasonable to slow down, back off a little, take a breather, and start over?

I feel like I'll never meet another guy like him. It's been 8 years, and 6 of those years, my ex wanted to reunite. I never felt comfortable doing that due to the drinking, but I never met any guy even close to one I'd want to marry. I'm getting old.

The bottom line: Should I give up and accept that I will be without a partner for the rest of my life?